Losing our job is probably one of the worst experiences we can suffer.  Presently sudden layoffs are happening without much warning and the emotional consequences are devastating.

Out of the blue we feel stripped of the most basic need – security.  How are we going to find the money to pay the mortgage/rent, buy food, clothes, pay electricity and phone bills, drive the car..? It can quickly become an endless and ever increasing nightmare.

 There are several stages in the emotional responses to becoming unemployed, similar to stages of the loss cycle when someone dies.  These are natural, normal feelings and the length of time they last depend on individual circumstances.

 Denial:  We can’t believe it is happening, we can’t cope with the reality so we are unable  to acknowledge it.  Then, as it becomes more and more real, we start to respond with

 Anger:  We feel furious with the world – we rant and rave at everybody, including our loved ones, for being so let down.  We feel totally rejected. After a while, we cannot maintain these strong feelings, they are too exhausting, and we go to the other extreme.  We sink into

 Depression:  Feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, lack of worth and a heavy tiredness take over and there seems little point in getting out of bed.  But, with the right support, even this feeling eventually wears off and we move to the next stage –

 Acceptance:  Not acceptance of our powerlessness, but acceptance that in order to survive we need to move on.  The ability to do this will depend on our strengths, our resources and our support systems.

  Some tips to cope with the emotional impact of unemployment:

 Accept these feelings as normal – don’t try to fight them – they are an important part of the process of change.

 Talk to your partner, your family about how you feel.  Don’t bottle it up.  Let others comfort you – this is hard when you have been used to being depended on and now feel dependent.

 Try to relax physically– deep breathing, walking, any physical activities you feel comfortable with.  This is important to keep your stress levels manageable.

 If you are the partner in this situation, listen uncritically to your spouse, acknowledge the feelings and avoid rescuing or minimising the situation. 

 As a couple, when you feel secure enough together, you can start to explore what choices, alternatives and potential changes.

• Rows and arguments are inevitable. Take responsibility for your part and how you feel – use direct
rather than indirect expressions of what you mean to say. Don’t hint or use sarcasm.
Say ‘I feel’, ‘I am sad / angry / disappointed because you …..’
• Own your FEELINGS as well as your thoughts. People tend to rationalise rather than express their
emotions, but suppressed emotions can lead to more trouble. Acknowledge the strength of your
partner’s feelings.
• Respond to the other person’s feelings in what they are trying to say. In arguments people often dwell
on facts rather than feelings. Don’t interrupt and not listen to your partner.
• Keep to the issue in hand – don’t change the topic / drag up previous disagreements or bring in other
people’s opinions to back you up.
• Don’t make generalising complaints: you always – you never…Replace blame / criticism with wishes e.g.
‘You never do the ironing’ to ‘I wish you would share the ironing’
• If you’re angry about something, recognise and admit it. Identify its source e.g. have you brought anger
home from work and taken it out on your partner? Understand why you are angry – differentiate
between what is reasonable and what is not – don’t assume the person affecting your anger is doing it on
purpose.
• Express your needs openly to the other person. Instead of nagging, make a suggestion – e.g. replacing
‘I’ve told you a hundred times to clean the car’ with ‘why don’t we clean the car together?’
• Don’t manipulate, intimate, threaten withdrawal / blackmail etc. Learn to listen to negative feedback
• Avoid giving commands. Telling your partner that he or she ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to do something are your
life rules telling you that these would be good things to do. Remember that your partner’s life rules may
not be the same.
• Never assume. Always ask for clarity to avoid any misunderstandings. Don’t ‘mind-read’.
• Don’t label your partner – e.g. you’re ‘heartless, insensitive, a layabout, paranoid’ etc.
• Each one of us is constantly changing as we face the challenges of life. It follows that our relationship
with each other will change too. Try and establish how you as a couple manage change best.
• Remember that winning this fight might jeopardise the future relationship – whoever wins an argument is
irrelevant if the relationship loses something. Confront the issue rather than each other. Make sure you
are not just trying to have the last word as the row could drag on…and on

“There are no hard and fast rules about age and relationships but there are some issues to consider,” Moore says. “Couples of a similar age will have had shared experiences while growing up and, by and large, will have shared interests. Often, the bigger the age gap, the more significant the differences in terms of sex, interests, expectations, life stage and finances.

“At the start of a relationship these differences don’t matter. But when tensions emerge, as they will do in time, these differences will matter more and more,” he explains.

Although it’s tempting to throw caution to the wind when you’re in love, planning ahead is crucial in age-gap relationships.

“A lot of couples only think in the short term but it’s important to consider if the age difference will interfere with your own personal goals; whether you want to concentrate on your career, have children or spend your free time travelling,” warns Moore.

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When the moment of the revelation of an affair presents itself, it changes the relationship between a couple forever.

When the moment of the revelation of an affair presents itself, it changes the relationship between a couple forever. The betrayal, often non-sexual, can happen for many reasons, some which are listed below

• Excitement/Adventure
• Companionship/Understanding
• Romance/Love
• Lust/Sex
• One Night Stands/Opportunity
• Attention/Acknowledgment
• Revenge/Tit for Tat
• Freedom/Escape
• Independence/Separateness
• Bisexual/Lesbian/Gay
• Power/Control
• To be different/to be yourself
• To end the relationship

On learning that they have been betrayed the non-affair partner will usually think in terms of the time before and the time after. Everything in their life becomes magnified and the ‘pea under the mattress’ now becomes a rock as they obsess about details of the affair; they can’t sleep, experience a huge array of emotions and lose all sense of normality.

Those who have had the affair will be defensive and will often wish to keep the details of the affair to a minimum, to protect themselves and to avoid inflicting more hurt on their betrayed partner. Guilt, anxiety and blame are common feelings.

It may take some time before a couple can make the decision to stay together or to separate. They may decide to brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened – this may be to preserve the relationship for whatever reason (children, fear of being alone, fear of confrontation, etc). Nevertheless, infidelity is a symptom of something being amiss for one or both partners and could occur again, unless the couple face what has happened, why it’s happened and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

It is possible for a couple to mend broken fences but it takes time and commitment from both partners to re-build trust and explore their needs from the relationship. Goodwill, in spite of the uncomfortable emotions being experienced by both, is paramount. It is not an easy time for either party. There are ground rules that must be adhered to in ensuring the safety and preservation of the couple’s relationship.

Ground rules for recovery from an affair

• Stop all contact with the affair partner
• Be willing to prove you are capable of being trusted
• Give each the other the opportunity to say how this is affecting you both even if it hurtful to hear. Use the ‘I’ statement e.g. I feel/think/believe …… when you …
• Set time limits on discussions about the affair and make sure you are undisturbed (by children, phones, etc)
• If you feel like the conversation is getting heated, stop it until you have both cooled down and can talk more calmly.
• Be patient. You are both grieving.
• Remember that the affair happened for a reason. It is usually because one or more needs are not being met. If you feel that this is happening, talk together about what you’re experiencing and try to resolve it before it goes any further. Find a relationship counsellor to help if you think that you cannot sort it out between you.

Honesty is the only way the undo the legacy of deception and lies. Your partner, if you were the one having the affair, may wish to know things in great detail and have endless questions. If you were the one that was betrayed, please understand that you may never get all the answers. There’s usually huge anxiety in the home as one partner is grieving the loss of the affair and what it gave them, or the loss of trust/freedom from their partner, whilst the other maybe worried that they’re not good enough or their partner is still thinking about the ‘other’ woman/ man or if they can ever trust them again.

It’s clear that no matter which partner you are in the ‘triangle’, you will be hurt in some way, but support is available for all parties. Affairs can serve as a cry for help in a relationship that needs attention or it paves the way for ending it. The good news is that couples can survive it and go on to build happier relationships with a greater understanding of themselves and what is required of them both to stay together.

Relationship counselling can be very useful for couples and individuals who have difficulties in their relationship and are committed to working at improving things so that they can stay together in better harmony.

But there will always be some people who deep down feel that nothing will ever be the way it once was, that the relationship is not salvable, that there is no hope in trying to stay together. It is natural to want to ignore these feelings at first, as any alternative to being together is too hard to contemplate. Little by little it becomes harder to avoid recognising that the relationship is irretrievable and sadly, this is sometimes a one-sided awareness – the partner may not share the same feelings or want to talk about separating. As the relationship deteriorates it has an impact on all the family and teenagers especially are very vulnerable to the possibility of their parents separating Teenbetween.ie.

Separation Counselling can be very helpful at this point in your life and our counsellors are trained to work with the emotional impact of your situation. If you both attend, the counsellor will help you express the huge range of feelings, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the confusion, the fear – all normal reactions – and over time enable you to go your separate ways as amicably as possible. If you come on your own, the counsellor will support and help you through the difficult and complex emotional process until you feel ready to move on. If you are a parent, it might be useful to look at how you can best help your children cope with the change.

How do I make an appointment?

Phone 01-6785256 or 1890 380 380

You will be offered a confidential one hour appointment to come and talk about your difficulties with an experienced counsellor who will help you decide the best way forward. If it is agreed that counselling is the best option, you will then be placed on the waiting list until a suitable counsellor is available to work with you at a time that suits you.

Appointments need to be made by phone in order to give you a suitable date and time immediately.

If you feel you do not want counselling but could benefit from a short Course or Support Group, check out our “Courses for the Public” section